This is going to be a little different. As you may know, I journal a lot, so this post is going to be a personal entry I wrote on New Years Day. An entry with no editing and words that came straight from my mind. I thought about taking the key points of what I wrote and creating something new from it, but everything I wanted to say was already perfectly written down. This is a very vulnerable thing to do and I’m slightly hesitant because my journal entries are just for me. I can write whatever because I know no one will read it. But I felt the need to share this one. As it turns out, New Years is just a day and it’s taken me a long time to figure that out. I hope what I figured out can help you in some way.
January 1st, 2020
New Year. Yesterday was hard. Long car ride, leaving CO, end of the year feelings. I cried for the last hour of the trip. Then when we go home and then later on. I cried a lot. I think the end of the year sadness tripped it. It was mixed with goodbye sadness, sadness about the holidays not feeling like the holidays, sadness about leaving the dogs, grieving for Busha, and essentially, grieving for Jaj. It all mixed together to create a horrible concoction. Mom and Dad picked up on it and supported me through it. Hugs, supporting words, just letting my cry and saying it was ok to cry. Just being there. It was the most supported I felt during a bad episode. I’ve always hid it and I did try my best to hide it in the car. I don’t know how successful I was. I talked to mom about some of my feelings later on. What I could put into words anyway. It helped.
I shouldn’t be disappointed about being sad on New Years Eve. I shouldn’t be disappointed by how the New Year started. In the past I have been. Disappointed that I was at home, that I was sad or cried. But this year I don’t feel that way. Maybe because I got to thinking that it’s a bit arbitrary. That to the Earth and the Universe, it’s just another day. The sun rises and sets, nothing has changed. Maybe I realized that too much pressure is placed on these days. That I used to think both had to be amazing otherwise it was ruined or wasted. But it’s not. It’s just a day. It’s a good day or a bad day. Maybe it’s just an okay day. Whatever it is, everything will be okay in the end. I think I also feel okay about it because, unlike other years, I was supported through it. I was open and vulnerable. I didn’t go hide and let it stew. I let it happen, I let the tears fall. Even though it was a bad time, I can look back and see that I was surrounded by good energy.
So, maybe the circumstances were the same, maybe the big picture was the same, but it felt different which is more important. And honestly, with these revelations and thoughts, what better way than that to start a new year of finding clarity and pursuing reckless happiness.
I stopped listening to myself over the last two months. What better way to get back on track? Here’s to 2020, a year with more clarity, self-love, and reckless happiness.