Let’s talk about January, shall we. You’ve probably noticed that I’m hardly posting anything anymore and that my blog posts have stopped. Well, let me tell you, it was a struggle. I was very depressed throughout the entire month. I didn’t have any motivation and didn’t see much point in posting anything. I also felt that if I were to share anything it would end up sounding very sad be too fake. I didn’t want to put fake happiness online because that is exactly the kind of thing I trying to stay away from with my brand. I’m writing now because I am feeling much better, and it’s good to share. It helps me get my thoughts out and it lets others know that they are not the only ones feeling like absolute crap.
So what exactly happened it January? Simply put, absolutely nothing. Like I said before, my motivation vanished. I could get myself to exercise everyday, but that was about it. I had a list of things I could start, but I just couldn’t get myself to do them. I started waking up later because I couldn’t find the point of getting up early to do nothing. Basically, I was feeling lost.
And, with the New Year came New Year’s resolutions. I made a whole bunch of goals that I wanted to achieve this year… and I didn’t start any of them. I even stopped some that I had started before, like blogging every week. But hey, that doesn’t mean I failed and my year is shot. I can start whenever I want. The New Year is just a good starting point for some people, and it turns out I’m not one of those people. There is a lot of positivity with the New Year, a lot of people starting new goals and changing their lives, but there are also a lot of people who say things like, “what’s the point? I’m/you’re going to fail in the next couple weeks anyway.” It can be so hard to push back against other people’s negativity. I know because I feel like I do it a lot. Some people may not be trying to be negative; they are just being cautious and want what’s best for you. Or they just want to share their experience so that you avoid making their mistake. But to you (and me) all of it just seems to put you down, make you feel like there is no hope, and that you can’t do it. You have to push past all of that. You have to push past the negative things you think and hear in order to get somewhere better. And it’s going to be SO HARD. I had a point in January where I wanted to give up because constantly trying to push past the negativity and the depression was so much. And I have to do it for the rest of my life? It sounded impossible. I wanted to stay in my sadness because I knew that place and it was familiar to me, but it wasn’t healthy.
So now it’s February and I’m working on pushing myself out of the sadness. I am allowing myself to feel my sadness and whatever else, but I’m trying my hardest not to stay in those feelings, to not let them control me. So maybe my 2019 starts in February, or maybe it started in January. It doesn’t really matter. I’m just working toward something better.
I recently found a quote from the book Cloud Atlas (after just watching the movie) that goes like this:
“You say you’re ‘depressed’ – all I see is resilience. You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn’t mean you are defective – it just means you’re human.” – David Mitchell.
I really like this quote because it reminds me that I am not the only person to feel like this. And I’m not a horrible person because I can’t manage to accomplish anything right now. And the word resilience helps remind me that the only person who is getting me out of bed everyday, making me exercise, and picking me up off the floor when I just can’t anymore, is me. And I think about that quite a bit when I’m depressed. Eventually, I manage to pick myself up and help myself feel better.
You may be wondering how I managed to get myself out of my sadness. I think part of it was my thinking that enough was enough and I wanted to stop feeling so bad. Another part could have been that the news of my therapist moving upset me so much that I started distracting myself by doing anything I could so I wouldn’t have to think about (and then cry about) the fact that this person I had trusted and who had helped me through some very difficult moments in my life was leaving. But the main thing that helped me was the full moon, of all things. If you remember about a month ago, we had a super blood wolf moon/eclipse. I watched a video about it where it explained the “powers” of the full moon, specifically the one in January. Basically it said that this was the end of a cycle that started in 2017 and that things would be coming to a close. Certain aspects of life would be finishing up and new ones would be starting. It also said that the days after the full moon (10 days to be specific) were a time of purging. It just so happened that these 10 days also coincided with the end of January. So I thought I would try purging, taking those 10 days to declutter, finish things, and get rid of bad habits or fears I was having. The video also said not to start anything new during this time because it may not be given the full effort it needs. So I waited to start anything new. I made a short list of some things I wanted to start after the 10 days were up (like practicing Spanish and watching photography workshop videos) and found that I actually got a little excited about the prospect of starting these things.
The end result of this purging is that I got myself out of my sadness. I gave myself a buffer to get past my depression and get rid of habits that weren’t helping me and started focusing on more uplifting and motivating things.
I wanted to share this with you because I want to help continue the conversation about mental illness. I think it’s very important to not be afraid of it. I want people to know that they aren’t alone in their struggles. I have heard, been told, and seen it many times. So, in case someone hasn’t heard this yet, or needs a little more convincing, I want to make sure that they know they aren’t alone and that there is always someone you can talk to and get help from. If you are struggling and want some advice about caring for your mental health I have a great book for you to read. It’s called Are u ok? by Kati Morton, LMFT (a licensed therapist.) I have found it very helpful and informative, even though I am currently in therapy, and can’t imagine how helpful others will find it. She also has a YouTube channel where she talks about many different mental health and therapy topics too.
All that being said, I don’t want this to be a space where I end up sharing my complete sadness and have people feel like they should feel sorry for me. Not at all. So, I will try to balance the happy with the less happy. Share with you moments of triumph and happiness and moments where I might not feel so great but am pushing forward.
And for the time being, I sadly won’t be posting as much content. Maybe I’ll try to make a blog post a month, but I’m not making any promises. I realize I have a lot to figure out still with this photography adventure of mine and constantly changing things is not helping. I really need to step away and take some time to understand where exactly I want to take everything. Thank you so much for understanding. I hope you’ll still follow me on this journey. And if you need someone to talk with, I will always be available.
Until next time friends.
- "It's a process, not perfection."