Hi guys! I hope everyone’s holidays were lovely, or that you at least took some time for yourself amongst the stress. I had an enjoyable time being with family. Christmas day was relaxing as always. The family opened presents, visited our neighbor, played a game, and watched a couple movies (Elf – one of my favorites, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, and Avengers: Infinity War.) In the surrounding days we got together with family and neighbors.
So, 2018 is over. I’ve got to be honest, the days after Christmas and leading into the New Year are always difficult for me. It’s a combination of the holidays and the year ending. For me, Christmas lasts basically the entire month, so having it end so abruptly takes its toll on me. You think after 23 years I would be used to it, but I’m not. It’s also difficult because during this time everyone starts looking back on the previous year and remembering everything that’s happened. When I do this, I always feel like I didn’t accomplish anything, like I’m in the exact same place that I started.
These past two years have been hard on me mentally. In 2017, my grandma passed away from breast cancer. There were so many up and downs, everything was so unpredictable, and it was rough on everyone. We eventually lost her in October, making the rest of the year and holidays rough. Throw in my own struggles and 2017 was not good to me. So, 2018 began and I reached a new low with my depression. I had a scare with my endometriosis, which turned out to be nothing, I felt like I was going nowhere and had no idea what I was doing, and I just felt so lost and out of control. I started a job that turned out to be horrible. It caused my depression to worsen. I wanted to quit several times, and I should have, but I stuck it out because I needed experience and money, but I also didn’t want to be a quitter. People around me knew that I hated the job, but they didn’t know to what extent. Luckily, I’m done with it now and I’m not going back. Don’t worry some good things happened too. For instance, I started going to therapy, which has been one of the best things I have done. I went back to school and got a Business Certificate. I started blogging once a week, even if it means spending my Saturday night or Sunday writing out a post (which I’m definitely not doing right now, absolutely not.) I also tried a little bit of dating. It didn’t work out too well, but I’m glad it happened because I feel like it helped me get to this point in my life, a point where I am finally turning things around. Does that sound mean? I hope not because I mean it in the nicest way possible. I have also started to discover things about myself. I just started so I still have a long way to go, but I’m ready to discover more.
Ok, that wasn’t everything that happened this year, but it’s the major and most important things I think.
So about 2019, I’m still anxious because I have no idea what’s going to happen. I still have the underlying fear that I’ve wasted another year of my life and that I’ll do the same thing again in this coming year. I’m still having trouble being motivated and inspired at this time, but I’ve taken some steps to help myself. I made a list of things that I accomplished in 2018 and I made a list of what I want to do in 2019. I just have to remind myself that even small steps are steps; no matter how long they take.
Has this post been an unconscious, stream of consciousness? Probably. Did that last sentence make sense? I have no idea.
Anyway, here’s to 2019. Happy New Year everyone!
Until next time friends!
“And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”